Thoughts

I have two Qur'ans with tafsir from the same person (Pooya). I like his commentary, although sometimes i think he's way over the top and sort of has an agenda of his own and I don't like agendas but for the most part I find him very eloquent and insightful. Both these Qur'ans have different commentaries though which is weird and there's an online version which is different too. He must have kept updating and i have Qur'ans from two different decades. One is very old and the other is pretty new. I also have a Yusuf Ali one and a King Faud one.

Anyhow, my point was, when i read the Qur'an and then the tafsir, i often end up reading three or four commentaries for the same chapter so i never get much Qur'an reading done. I guess that's okay since I'm at least fully understanding what i'm reading and I read tafsir from shia thought, then sunni thought, etc. so I get the whole spectrum of thought.

Anyways, i read this tafsir and thought it was very well written:

...He has made mercy incumbent on Himself - 6:12, 6:54. He Himself enjoins on the sinners to seek His pardon-4:106. He bestows His mercy upon whomsoever He pleases - 2:105. To whomsoever He pleases, He even wipes out the individual's sins and instead entitles him to reward - 29:7, 47:2, 64:9, 65:5, 66:8.

Now this next part is the part i really liked:

He is such a merciful judge that He does not wait to punish but to pardon. Hence before the matter comes to be tried, He invites repentance and even encourages the sinners to make haste in seeking His pardon - 57:21. He never wants any sinner to be dejected and go hopeless of His mercy. But the pardon is granted only when it is asked for in time.

It goes on further to say how it's not only asking for forgiveness that is required but also mending one's ways. This concept is nothing new - it's there in Christianity too but the way this was said really spoke to me. Sometimes, especially since becoming a mom, I feel I am letting down God so much by missing prayers, eating Kosher, etc. I have good intentions but sometimes the day just runs away and I can't get a prayer in and when my little guy finally goes down for a nap, I just want time to myself and just sit in silence. I should feel that prayer would rejuvenate me but sometimes I just can't muster the energy. Once I do get up and pray, I feel much better, more whole and rejuvenated and can't wait for the little guy to wake me up and tire me out again. But while reading the commentary I feel I do repent but it seems I still slip and don't mend my ways permantantly. But the line about Him never wanting any sinner to feel hopeless of His mercy. I do feel that sometimes. I often feel I'm not worthy of reward and I wonder if that's why I'm still having so much pain from my child's birth. I felt so good after reading this explanation because I realized I am only human, I will fall, I will get back up and do better, but most of all, I feel this tremendous weight being lifted off my shoulders. God IS merciful and I need to remember that. It doesn't mean do wrong and assume I'm forgiven but do right, and when i do fall, go back to doing right and all will be okay inshAllah.